Swept away

I was taking a nap today and I dreamt:

From what I can remember I was at home with my family, and it was raining -- I guess it was storming. The water was coming down heavy and I remember thinking, "Maybe we should check the weather channel." Then all of a sudden there is a huge crack. I know right away that it's a tornado. It tears our house apart and I remember the weight on my chest of a wall hitting me and weighing me down and I'm screaming and I pass out and wake up and our house is in shambles and I look to find my family and I find Kiana and I grab her and hug her and cry and tell her that I love her so so so much.

I can't remember exactly what happened in the rest of the dream. I know I talked to Alex and she had no idea that anybody's house got hit and I was trying to explain what happened to us, but she didn't understand what I was saying. After that I know we were trying to get help and find somewhere to go, but we were so lost. The details get fuzzy after that.

2nd to last day of work

You don't really have to read this

I hate pride and obstinance. But mostly in myself.

I really make no sense at night. My mind's tired when I climb into bed with my laptop. But my thoughts become more visible, more obtrusive without the distractions of the daytime to pull me into the humdum atmosphere that is the everyday.

Moving into the body paragraph -- I am now officially hooked on Fountainhead. Initially I thought it was a pompous book meant for pompous people to feel intellectual, and maybe it still is and maybe I'm just buying into it (and it's funny because the book itself talks about this superficiality of man). It's like a metanarrative. Maybe not. Either way, It's got me thinking about morals -- you know, the right and the wrong, the good and the bad, the virtues and the vices. While the dichotomy of mankind into let's say, good and evil can be considered a fairly objective, straightcut, black and white subject, I began to wonder whether we can be so sure. I tried simply to come up with the most virtuous person I could think of and wondered what characteristics this person has: alright -- honesty, integrity, compassion, etc. Alright and likewise for the most detestable person -- dishonesty, malice, contempt, etc. But when I think of real people, it's never that easy. When I think of myself, it isn't that easy either. What brought about these mostly was because I wanted to become (yes, cliche) the best person that I could possibly be, which stems from ideas not expressed directly in the book, however are subjects that are inherent to the questions the book raises. For the most part, I think of myself as a good person. I'm nice and polite to mostly everyone. I don't deliberately discriminate or judge people that I am conscious of (C'mon, we are all guilty of some prejudice however slight or unnoticeable as it may be). However, I feel that most of the time, the reasons I act a certain way are not based on the principles of honesty or integrity or compassion, but rather for more superficial reasons like avoiding confrontation or making social interaction easier. So should I consider the aforementioned principles as the basis for my actions? Is that really the way to be morally upright? I was going to argue against the existence of morals, but that would sound rather nihilistic of me, and I've also gotten too tired since I started this to really consider that possibility. Rather I'll raise the question of whether morals are the only basis by which mankind can stand by or whether there is no guideline by which we can truly grade a person as being morally superior or more good than another. Or if you are religious, if the commandments or other religious code can be the only true indicator of a person's standing in this world.

Or you are more than welcome to just tell me to stop staying up posting blogs about things that don't really matter.

A desperate attempt to mature

I've been spending a good deal of time with my family lately. I suppose I should say even more than usual. What with it being my mother's birthday and my lola returning home after a month and my brother home for another weekend, my last couple of days have been family-filled to say the least. What I've noticed is that typically I find myself seeing that spending time with them as an obligation or as an act of generosity on my part that I am sacrificing my leisure time to spend with them. I can feel the angsty teenager brooding inside of me, resenting their company. However there's another part of me that is less frequently visible that is just so happy to have them there for me and that part of me wants to be there for them, too. Unfortunately I forget this side of me all too often, resulting in stinging words or silent detachment. Until I remember the people that are always there for me, who have always forgiven me, who have sacrificed so much for me, and the least I can do is be there. I just hate that side of me that wants to push them away.

Empathy

You know that feeling where you just want to cry and let it all out, but you just can't? Do other people have this inability to hone in on their emotions? Sometimes when I see or hear about something tragic, I feel so detached and indifferent and I wonder why can't I fully empathize with these people. I can rationalize in my head why it's so tragic and sad, but I don't feel it. I can think, "Well, that's just terrible." But I say it in the same way that I say, "Well, it looks like it might storm tonight." As if it's just a passing thought and not inhumanity passing through my lips.

Triumph

Minesweeper

To Do:

Donate/sell pile of clothes that is currently sitting in the bathroom

Throw out the trash in the bathroom

Finish cleaning room

Stop the incessant throbbing of the left side of my face permanently

Remove nail polish from toes

Maintain flossing regimen

Budget

Visit Emily's apartment

Get out of rut

Numb

I was sitting on my bed clutching my jaw. The pain emanating from the socket in my mouth wasn't too intense. It was more like an intermittent throbbing that seemed to be climbing to my temple. I walked downstairs and popped two extra strength Tylenols (I think they were actually Target brand acetamenophins, but they're all the same) and wondered briefly how many painkillers I had taken that day. I disregarded this thought as the pain numbed and climbed back into bed to watch the boob tube. Garden State was on. It seemed like a nice distraction from my toothache so I got comfortable and watched Zach Braff ("Largeman") numb his own pains with countless prescriptions. His pains were a little different though. They were emotional and mental pains; however, even he hadn't felt them for years. He hadn't felt anything in a while. This got me to thinking about my own pains and my own attempts to numb the painful or difficult things in my life. Not only the physical pains, but the emotional ones as well. As I sat there with my aches numbed and my brain feeling a little numb as well, I began to drift off to sleep where this numbing seemed to overtake me. As I began to drift in and out of my consciousness I lost feeling in my body and I became frustrated and wanted to just succumb to sleep or numbness or something. I suppose I was dreaming, but I can't stop thinking about whether I've taken this approach to the rest of my life -- where I'll avoid things because of a fear of pain or suffering. Maybe pain and suffering is good for us sometimes. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried. Not to say that I've been just overwhelmingly happy. I think I've just become so used to blocking out anything bad or potentially painful from my mind. I suppose I feel like I haven't felt anything powerful in a while. I feel a little numb, that's all.

Flust-ration.

I've been a bit out of sorts lately. I feel like I need to clear out everything -- my room, my life, my mind... There's just too much going on that whenever I try to make any sense out of it, I'm just left flustered. I keep trying to blog here and I tried writing at work (which turns out to be a bad idea, because I left my little notepad on Bryan's desk and I think he read what I had written and probably thinks I'm crazy). I don't even know what I want to write about -- that's the hardest (and most frustrating part). I feel like something isn't right, but I can't pinpoint what it is. Or maybe it's nothing. I always get in these moods, but is there really anything behind them? Maybe it's just my psyche telling me that I can never really be comfortable for too long. Or maybe I just want an easy fix to an overarching dissatisfaction that just can't be solved so easily.

I keep putting off these uneasy feelings by keeping my mind busy; however, what I probably need most is time and space to just think.

Life Stew

I like to live my life without unnecessary complications.

In other news, the stew my mom made for me for lunch has an assortment of meat, sausage, and potatoes.

What I do at work

Verizon

A tiny little bump, a pea underneath my pillow
A bothersome thought in the back of my mind
A pestering pea, a hard pill to swallow
A wee little thing that I try to deny
A nagging feeling, an unsettling sensation
A vexing uncertainty I can't quite fight

If you were on 1709 today, you might've seen a car accident by Albertson's. You may have been annoyed at the traffic. You may have wondered what happened. You may have just dismissed the event entirely. I found out about it at work. My dad crashed into another car. He's fine. A couple bruises and a broken bone in his hand and the other guy is alright, too. When I first found out though all I knew was that he was in an accident and he was being taken to the hospital. I felt nauseous. Then strangely I felt detached. I felt like I should feel something, but I didn't. I guess I just couldn't grasp it. Now I'm just happy that he's okay, because my mom was saying that seeing the state that the cars were in, it was amazing that they both walked out relatively unhurt. I can't process all of this now, but I just want to go to sleep and not have to go to work.

Fix Yourself!

I regret to inform you that your Engineering Scholarship will not be continued for Fall 2008 due to your current IN RESIDENCE GPA. In residence GPA refers to your grade point average for courses taken at UT, not including transfer credits, advanced placement or credit by examination. A summary of your GPA’s can be found in your Engineering Scholarship Application.

If you feel this is an error, please contact the Engineering Scholarship Program. You may request that your scholarship be reinstated as soon as your GPA reaches the minimum In Residence GPA required for your scholarship. To have your scholarship reinstated, you would need to contact the Engineering Scholarship Program.

THIS IS AN ERROR, srsly.

Psycho is what I am.

You know when you've got something in the back of your mind and you kind of keep digging at it to find it and then you realize what it is and maybe it's something you have to do or a memory or a song or something. Well, all today I've been doing that, except unlike any normal person the sentence that keeps repeating in my head is

"The closest cell site to the customer's location is:"

FUCK YOU VERIZON. STOP BRAINWASHING ME.

SIDE NOTE: OMG I LOVE MY LIFE. My World Lit professor emailed me saying that he made a mistake on the grading and that I got an A, which I just calculated into my GPA and I'm fucking keeping my scholarship!!! AHHHH I LOVE MYSELF.

SRSLY, I needed a 3.5 and my GPA is 3.51724138. Floating on a cloud.

That would be really funny if I calculated it wrong and I really lost it.

It's still not high enough to get into Arch Eng, but one stepping stone at a time.

blahfashionblah

I want these:

I bought some sweet purple skinny jeans from F21 for just twenty bucks today. I also got a bronzish sort of jacket for 15 bucks. Then I got another high waisted black skirt for 12 bucks from Charlotte Russe. I was considering buying some denim high waisted shorts from F21, but it seems like that look is just going to die out inevitably. I wouldn't mind buying a pair that looked different or a pair of high waisted skirts, but the shorts that I was trying on looked too obviously this season.

I'm not sure what other clothes musthaves I'm looking for. Right now it's mostly about shoes for me, but I have a hard time shelling out money for shoes, but you really have to if you want good quality ones (i.e. above)

Envy.

I see people doing amazing things with their lives and I become so jealous of them.

What's holding me back from being one of those people? I can't say that any of these things are impossible for me. I'm too lazy, too scared, too complacent to stir things up in myself. It's terrible. I always frown on people who complain but don't do anything about it, and I'm one of them. I really need to wake up and get out of this rut that's lasted for 19 years.

Working hard for the $ and trying to look good while doing it

Since I've been having to dress up for work every day, I've been thinking lately about how to dress for work in a way that is both stylish and work-appropriate. The past couple of days have been conservative skirts, shirts, and my sweet Nine West heels. What other ways are there to still have some semblance of style without offending colleagues?

Today it's another shirt and skirt combination, except today to mix things up I'm wearing my high-waisted skirt. I had another one, but I cut it a couple of weeks ago so now it's definitely not an appropriate length for work (and some might say, for the general public)

I also found shoes to have an ambiguous criteria. My closed toed heels are a bit high, but they're not too trendy or flashy, I think. What other shoes are okay to step into the workplace?

Incapable of learning

I don't even know why I bother to pick up the phone.
Or why I'm so nice to him still.

(Lack of confidence, naivete, belief in the good in people?)

Detox.

Haha, I don't know. Hopefully Ready Clean worked its magic.

As the school year winds to a close, it was inevitable that I'd be thinking about the past year and what's changed, what's stayed the same, etc.

I feel like so much has happened, but it's hard to recap everything. Thinking back to the beginning of the year: Moving in to the dorms, going to parties with Yasmin, meeting Nathan, hanging out with Monica and Jordan. . . It's weird thinking that I have already finished my first year of college.

I didn't really finish my thoughts on this year, but I'm going to leave it on that note so I can sleep and get ready for my 9 am Bio final.

Fluctuation of Motivation Cultivation (ation)

My moods tend to fluctuate quite a bit. So does my mindset. I can be sure of myself one minute then grasping for certainty the next.

Verizon HR Representative contacted me today and like everyone else except for my parents he told me that what I do with my life is my choice because it's going to be me waking up every morning to go to work and I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I wonder if he made the right decision; I wonder if he's happy being Verizon Human Resource Representative.

On a related note, I need to be alcohol- and drug-tested within the next 48 hours for Verizon.

Also, I still haven't really studied for Physics or Biology yet.
These moods do not help in cultivating motivation for higher education.

Out of focus.

I should be studying for Physics. Or Biology. Because I have a lot riding on these grades. Even if I manage As in Physics and Calculus, I might still not make it into Architectural Engineering. And right now the line between A and B is drawn pretty close for both of these classes. So I should be trying really hard, I really should. However, I can't seem to find the motivation or focus today. I can't remember the last time I really studied for anything. Will I be able to cut it in the end?

Hey, look! A future!

I went to talk to the Architecture undergraduate advisor today and he gave me some options about what I can do. All of which involve lots of years of school in order to get a license. The one that I'm seriously looking at now involves me majoring in Architecturing Engineering as an undergrad, then getting a masters in Architecture in Grad school and getting licensed then. I never really considered grad school before, unlike most people that I know, but this actually sounds like something I'd like to do.

Not only that, but I'll get to keep my scholarship and appease my parents. (My mom told me that my dad hasn't been sleeping well lately because of this whole issue but she didn't want to tell me so I wouldn't feel guilty. I still feel guilty, but only after the fact so it's better(?) ).

I'm not for sure if that's what I'll end up doing -- maybe I'll find that architectural engineering undergrad is all that I want to do, and I can do that. Either way though, I can see myself down this path -- for once I can actually see this being a doable path for me.

Life's Marionette

Do you know the feeling of life taking you by the hand and pulling you so fast that you never slow down to catch your breath and really think about what's happening?

(I'm sure you do. You, being whoever is reading this right now. The collective you.)

That's how I feel right now. I don't really have any concrete feelings about anything, because I never have a second to really think about things. Now that everything's kind of slowed down, maybe I can pull everything out of my head --that bundled mass of thoughts that got so tangled and mixed up-- and sort them out into something comprehensible, comprehensive, cohesive(?) It's Monday, I've finished all of my academic and social obligations for now so this seems a good a time as any.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how interested you are in the happenings of my life) for you I will not be divulging specifics, because that would be pointless for me. My intentions are purely selfish in this regard: I want to clear up things in my own head and the things that are already clear are what's happened. What isn't clear is how i feel about what's happened.

As abrupt as this is, I'm going to leave it on that note. I feel like these kinds of thoughts are more suited for writing in a journal or maybe I should just allow them to swim in my head and examine them there. Blogs may be regarded as an online journal of sorts, but I don't think it's quite the same...

Whew.

What a whirlwind week.

When I'm bored and alone

I cut myself... my hair, I mean.

Foresight. . . or lack thereof

I sometimes wonder if I should take better care of myself. Sometimes I get a bit too carefree. I don't want to get myself into situations where I'll look back and wish I did things differently. But sometimes it's easier to just live in the present and not look behind or ahead.

Guilty as charged

Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else. Everyone's guilty of it sometimes.

It's really not even a hierarchy, although it may be built that way in people's minds whether they are aware of it or not. It's more of a cycle than anything. A flow chart where condescension travels down from one level to another, jumping from one group to another, one person to another, from that person to that group, that group to the first group. It's strange, really. Because whether the basis for this condescension is music, politics, lifestyle, fashion, religion, etc., none of it is real. There is no real truth at the base of it all. We're all people, although we can forget it sometimes when we get wrapped up in our own little worlds, and forget that there is a big world where we all live.

Life-changing Life changes.

I'm set (at first I had written "I think I'm set..." but I must be more strong willed than that -- i've always been one to use words that freed me from committing to things, statements, etc [perhaps, maybe, i think]) on changing my major. I almost wrote "I think" again. My indecision is a bit of an obstacle. Right now, the most promising major would have to be architectural engineering. Architecture sounds more appealing, but I would lose my scholarship. Either way, I'm supposed to talk to someone in both the Architecture program and the Architectural Engineering program soon. I just don't have enough interest in Chemical Engineering to go on. I'm pretty miserable in it right now. I just need to figure it out all out before registration later this month. I also need to talk to my parents. AH. I just needed to get all of those thoughts out, before I finish studying for physics, but alas I need to get back to it. I can't give up on all of my classes just yet.

7 Deadly Sins: take two

So the Catholic church has decided to add to the original deadly sins to accomodate for the current state of the world.

First here are the original 7 deadly sins and their punishments
Pride Broken on the wheel
Envy Put in freezing water
Gluttony Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
Lust Smothered in fire and brimstone
Anger Dismembered alive
Greed Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
Sloth Thrown in snake pits

And here is an excerpt from an article from Times UK about the new additions:

He said that priests must take account of “new sins which have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalisation”. Whereas sin in the past was thought of as being an invididual matter, it now had “social resonance”.

“You offend God not only by stealing, blaspheming or coveting your neighbour’s wife, but also by ruining the environment, carrying out morally debatable scientific experiments, or allowing genetic manipulations which alter DNA or compromise embryos,” he said.

Bishop Girotti said that mortal sins also included taking or dealing in drugs, and social injustice which caused poverty or “the excessive accumulation of wealth by a few”.

He said that two mortal sins which continued to preoccupy the Vatican were abortion, which offended “the dignity and rights of women”, and paedophilia, which had even infected the clergy itself and so had exposed the “human and institutional fragility of the Church”.

The mass media had “blown up” the issue “to discredit the Church”, but the Church itself was taking steps to deal with it.

More on this later.

OMGLOLZ

Home, birthdays, and other things soft and fluffy.

Whenever I'm in Southlake, when I say I'm going "home," I mean Austin.
Whenever I'm in Austin, when I say I'm going "home," I mean Southlake.

What does that say about my idea of home? Apparently it's where I'm not.

Either way, I'm back in Austin (home?), and it's admittedly a bit weird to be back. I'm not sure why. I can't quite place the feeling. It's not really comfort nor homesickness. (There I go with home again.) Maybe it was just a bit of an abrupt end?

Hm. My thoughts on that subject are pretty exhausted as limited as that was. Now my mind turns to the near future. This Thursday is my birthday. My nineteenth, to be clear. I don't feel like I'm 19. (Or look like it, some would argue.) I always get excited when my birthday rolls around, but the past couple of years have yielded less than thrilling birthdays so I kind of have this apprehension surrounding this subject. I'm a little wary about getting too excited about it, because birthdays nowadays seem to come and go with little or no excitement. I just want to do something nice with the people I care about and not put too much pressure on it.

As long as I don't cry like I did last year. That was absurd.

Human limitations.

Human nature.

Everyone makes things more complicated than thing needs to be. Vague, yes? True, no? It seems like it's human nature to analyze and pick apart everything, because that's what separates us from any other living creature -- our cognition and intellect. Sometimes though I feel we don't spend enough time just living, instead of thinking about living.

I am unsure of where these thoughts are going but to talk of things that I am certain of:

I am quite pleased with myself lately. I am happy with how I am. I am content with how my life is settling.

This is how it's going to go down.

I am going to try to take better care of myself.
I am going to try to be a better daughter.
I am going to try to be a better student.

This weekend should be a good one.

Mindfuck.

Sleeveface.

Boys, Idaho. Dumb.

After Tiffany pointed out that she didn't like the guys I go for, I realized something.

As of late, I've been focusing on my own stuff, and not really going after guys. So the guys that I have been interacting with in that kind of way are guys that are more interested in me than I am in them, and I kind of go along with it reluctantly, because it's convenient (note: not exciting). I like that I'm focusing on other things than guys and letting things happen, but it's kind of exhausting putting up with guys I don't really have an interest in.

Speaking of which, Aigor is apparently outside of my dorm now?

Crumbs in my bed

Every time I move my legs, they brush against something rough underneath the covers. I need to stop eating in bed. It's probably the Cocoa Krispies Cereal Straws. I keep trying to brush off the invisible particles, but I can never get them all.

I'm trying to think about everything -- to clear up everything in my head while swiping mindlessly at the neverending cluster of crumbs. Thinking back to the beginning of this year until now, so much has happened, yet so little has happened. I feel like for every step forward that I'm taking, I'm taking two steps back. That I'm moving, but instead of getting anywhere, I'm back at that same fork in the road that I thought I had already passed a little while back.

is it my fault? you can only blame other people for so long.

It doesn't matter how fast you're going when you're going in circles.

Brush it off.

Rabbitface.

I was sketching a self portrait today and I tried to a different face than I normally do. You know, to mix things up.

But biting my lip makes me look like a chunky rabbit.

"This is actually very something I like."

He cracks me up. I just wish he could teach Physics.


Instead of taking notes on things I already know, I draw what I see.

(Not) Growing a pair

Every time someone tells me that I'm going in the wrong direction is right. It sucks to admit it. It'd be so much easier if everyone told me that I was making the right decision, but it seems that everyone that I talk to is confused why I'm on the path that I'm on now. It makes no sense to anyone. Not even me.

What am I supposed to? Drop everything on a whim? I'm so envious of everyone who has the guts to do what they want!

As of late

I've been reading a lot lately. Today I finished American Psycho. I don't even know what to say. Pretty graphic stuff. Last week I read The Rules of Attraction, another of Bret Easton Ellis' novels. They're similar in a way, except American Psycho gets pretty intense. I'm also reading Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, and I read Sartre's The Flies the other day. For class, I'm reading Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther. I'd talk more about the content of the books, but I'm so mentally drained after that last one. I want to read Camus' The Stranger next.

All that this was trying to say was that I love that I'm reading again.

In other news: Peter might be gone until March? Or not? Text messages shouldn't be so cryptic.

Also I'm trying to be productive school-wise. I've done my reading, and I've been staying on top of all of my Calculus homework. My Biology book has finally come in the mail so I'll probably go over that later tonight. Just keepin' busy.

Out of it

I'm so tired of everything.
Not in a "I hate everything" kind of way, but in a "everything is futile" kind of way.

Rewind three months. Play.

Not again. I can't do it.

Affections, affectations, affected.

I pride myself in my ability to be unaffected by people. I've always been of the opinion that if a person feels that they can affect you, then they have power over you. Thus I become something that is interacted with, but unimpressed upon. Or at least that is what I'd like you to think. That way you will understand that whether you are there or not, I will be, and that you will be the one needing me and not me needing you.

But that's not really how it is.

How to make snowflakes

Somewhat unsure.

Inhale

Exhale