Fluctuation of Motivation Cultivation (ation)

My moods tend to fluctuate quite a bit. So does my mindset. I can be sure of myself one minute then grasping for certainty the next.

Verizon HR Representative contacted me today and like everyone else except for my parents he told me that what I do with my life is my choice because it's going to be me waking up every morning to go to work and I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I wonder if he made the right decision; I wonder if he's happy being Verizon Human Resource Representative.

On a related note, I need to be alcohol- and drug-tested within the next 48 hours for Verizon.

Also, I still haven't really studied for Physics or Biology yet.
These moods do not help in cultivating motivation for higher education.

Out of focus.

I should be studying for Physics. Or Biology. Because I have a lot riding on these grades. Even if I manage As in Physics and Calculus, I might still not make it into Architectural Engineering. And right now the line between A and B is drawn pretty close for both of these classes. So I should be trying really hard, I really should. However, I can't seem to find the motivation or focus today. I can't remember the last time I really studied for anything. Will I be able to cut it in the end?

Hey, look! A future!

I went to talk to the Architecture undergraduate advisor today and he gave me some options about what I can do. All of which involve lots of years of school in order to get a license. The one that I'm seriously looking at now involves me majoring in Architecturing Engineering as an undergrad, then getting a masters in Architecture in Grad school and getting licensed then. I never really considered grad school before, unlike most people that I know, but this actually sounds like something I'd like to do.

Not only that, but I'll get to keep my scholarship and appease my parents. (My mom told me that my dad hasn't been sleeping well lately because of this whole issue but she didn't want to tell me so I wouldn't feel guilty. I still feel guilty, but only after the fact so it's better(?) ).

I'm not for sure if that's what I'll end up doing -- maybe I'll find that architectural engineering undergrad is all that I want to do, and I can do that. Either way though, I can see myself down this path -- for once I can actually see this being a doable path for me.

Life's Marionette

Do you know the feeling of life taking you by the hand and pulling you so fast that you never slow down to catch your breath and really think about what's happening?

(I'm sure you do. You, being whoever is reading this right now. The collective you.)

That's how I feel right now. I don't really have any concrete feelings about anything, because I never have a second to really think about things. Now that everything's kind of slowed down, maybe I can pull everything out of my head --that bundled mass of thoughts that got so tangled and mixed up-- and sort them out into something comprehensible, comprehensive, cohesive(?) It's Monday, I've finished all of my academic and social obligations for now so this seems a good a time as any.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how interested you are in the happenings of my life) for you I will not be divulging specifics, because that would be pointless for me. My intentions are purely selfish in this regard: I want to clear up things in my own head and the things that are already clear are what's happened. What isn't clear is how i feel about what's happened.

As abrupt as this is, I'm going to leave it on that note. I feel like these kinds of thoughts are more suited for writing in a journal or maybe I should just allow them to swim in my head and examine them there. Blogs may be regarded as an online journal of sorts, but I don't think it's quite the same...

Whew.

What a whirlwind week.

When I'm bored and alone

I cut myself... my hair, I mean.

Foresight. . . or lack thereof

I sometimes wonder if I should take better care of myself. Sometimes I get a bit too carefree. I don't want to get myself into situations where I'll look back and wish I did things differently. But sometimes it's easier to just live in the present and not look behind or ahead.

Guilty as charged

Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else. Everyone's guilty of it sometimes.

It's really not even a hierarchy, although it may be built that way in people's minds whether they are aware of it or not. It's more of a cycle than anything. A flow chart where condescension travels down from one level to another, jumping from one group to another, one person to another, from that person to that group, that group to the first group. It's strange, really. Because whether the basis for this condescension is music, politics, lifestyle, fashion, religion, etc., none of it is real. There is no real truth at the base of it all. We're all people, although we can forget it sometimes when we get wrapped up in our own little worlds, and forget that there is a big world where we all live.

Life-changing Life changes.

I'm set (at first I had written "I think I'm set..." but I must be more strong willed than that -- i've always been one to use words that freed me from committing to things, statements, etc [perhaps, maybe, i think]) on changing my major. I almost wrote "I think" again. My indecision is a bit of an obstacle. Right now, the most promising major would have to be architectural engineering. Architecture sounds more appealing, but I would lose my scholarship. Either way, I'm supposed to talk to someone in both the Architecture program and the Architectural Engineering program soon. I just don't have enough interest in Chemical Engineering to go on. I'm pretty miserable in it right now. I just need to figure it out all out before registration later this month. I also need to talk to my parents. AH. I just needed to get all of those thoughts out, before I finish studying for physics, but alas I need to get back to it. I can't give up on all of my classes just yet.