New year

As 2008 fast approaches, as is traditional I want to view the new year with a new outlook. Although it's a task that has been futile thus far, accomplishing new year's resolutions seem like something to try anyways. Here I go.

1. No more smoking
2. Learn not for the sake of getting good grades, but for the sake of acquiring knowledge
3. Count my blessings everyday -- even the little things

That's what I've got so far. Simple but I think I need to keep things simple so I can actually focus on them.

And who needs to wait until the first to start counting your blessings?

Today:
- Being able to go with my family to Panda Express and eat plates full of Orange Chicken and Chicken with String Beans
- Being able to go to Target and shop
- Taking a glorious nap and shower, putting on a new top and feeling refreshed
- Being able to go outside and see the pansies my dad put in the backyard
- Going to play video games with my brother

I am feeling really satisfied about everything. Admittedly Finals week is not the most fun of all time; however, it seems that school and non-school things are, for the most part, going really well!

I just finished writing my paper. I feel like it's my best one from this entire year in World Lit. We turn it in on Friday when we go to Professor Doherty's house. We're making mix CDs and exchanging them. And Doherty is going to cook lasagna and serve wine. I got my Philosophy paper back today and I got a 98! So I only have to get a 92 on the final exam to get an A. My exam for Uses and Abuses of the Bible is tomorrow, but I'm feeling pretty confident about it. I have yet to study for Computing or Calculus, but those are not until Saturday so I might call it a night tonight. The past two nights I've gone to sleep at six because I've been studying, but I want to get some rest so my mind is fresh and awake when I take my exam.

Things are looking up!

For the first time

I feel like things are moving at a steady pace

Playing hooky

I made a paper sloth for Peter's christmas tree.
(there's a baby sloth hugging the mama sloth)

Fuck!

I was bidding on some tall suede boots on ebay. 53 minutes were left. I was set. I left for class. I come back and some bitch outbid in the last few minutes. ARGH!

In other news. I take strange pictures in the bathroom.

Trying to stay on top of things

I don't exactly remember why I sketched this.

July 14 2007

I was reading through old posts on other blog and came across this gem --

Title: Dire
Body:
I am so scared for the future. Nothing's for certain anymore.

I hate how I can judge someone, when I am no better. Why do I care? What does it matter? Why do I have to be so condescending sometimes? I know no better. Why are we in such a rush to get older? Can't we just slow down and take everything in?

I have no will, no willpower. I know not of strong principles. I have no unwavering morals. I stil do believe that essentially I am a good person. My arms feel weak, but now I am uncertain whether it's my arms or my insides.

All of the time I pretend. I pretend I'm self confident. I pretend I'm experienced. I pretend I know what I am doing. I pretend that I'm intelligent. I pretend I'm special. I pretend that I can't get hurt. I pretend that I don't care. What's worse is that I'm not only pretending to others, I'm also pretending to myself. I get small glimpses of these self-observations then I quickly pretend to not notice. Always pretending. Who am I really? How can I separate the real me from what I'm pretending to be?

Invincible.

That is what we feel like all the time. That might sound empowering, but what I mean is that we feel like we are not in danger of certain things. Some things just don't seem probable, because it's us. It's me. Think about all the times someone has said, "I never thought it would happen to me." Of course you didn't. Everything that we hear seems so separate from us. All other people's experiences seem unrelated to our own. It's weird when you realize that it's not true.

Ambivalent weather gods, ambivalent Kristine.

Hello everyone! Sitting at the FAC as per usual. I finished writing my paper about whether idealists can distinguish real from nominal essences and read my packet titled "Was Jesus Insane?" Now I'm sitting here, not wanting to go outside, because I know it's going to be windy and chilly -- Screw the ambivalent weather gods! Eighty degrees! In December! Absurd.

Today I watched a play with Mia. It was a children's play called Lily Plants a Garden -- but it was one of those that are a bit darker. Had a late start to the day because we didn't get to sleep until 5:30, having tried to watch Lolita with Monica, Jordan, and Tiffany and only succeeding in acquiring a TV DVD player at two. We watched Kids today and ate Papa John's. That movie was depressing, and at some points, depressingly realistic. Essentially the premise is the girl gets HIV from this guy who is on this cherry popping spree.

I suppose that was the bulk of my day/weekend. It was kind of a quiet relaxing yet restless weekend. I think I need a different word than restless -- I feel like I use it far too often.

I think I'll go brave the cold now and walk home so I can go to bed.

Detaching for a while

clearing my head.

Lately

Self-deception

I am really bad at taking my own advice, learning from my mistakes, and thinking before I act.

I wish that this awareness would promote change. The pathetic thing is that it can, but I refuse to acknowledge this fact.

Back in Austin. The drive back was wet and rainy but quick.



Thanksgiving break was relaxing. I love coming back home and seeing everyone again.



Home is always filled with delicious food, Kelly Clarkson singalongs, and this time home videos of my cuter and also my awkward years. Always fun times to relive.

I feel ready for my Calculus test, and I'm not behind in any of my classes. So generally I'm happy, but occasionally I'll get worked up. I'll clear things up soon.



Nathan got his hair cut. Giggle.

Worrying

about nothing?

Like a thousand tiny diamonds in the lights of Loving County

Yasmin and I got back from camping for two days in West Texas late last night. It was a strange adventure. In some ways, it was beautiful; in other ways, it was tragic. Although this sounds somewhat melodramatic for a camping trip on a mountain, I can't describe the experience more clearly. For now, here are some pictures of the trip (not taken by me):










I'll post a more elaborate post and the pictures that I took when I get them developed.

Nuking

Some easy mac.

nathan

Baby.

THREE

unfinished self portraits. I need a new subject.

Public Transportation.

I was at the bus stop today and I asked the bus driver which bus I should take to get back to campus. He tells me I'm at the wrong bus stop and to take bus 21.

I realize that I had just missed 21 so I go to sit and wait for it to come around again. A group of homeless guys wave at me from across the street. One crosses the street to talk to me. He tells me I'm the most beautiful thing he's seen in Austin and wonders if I model. We chat about school and football then he returns to his group of friends. He comes back and tells me that he forgot to show me his shirt, which says something along the lines of "Make your parents proud. Take drugs." I laugh politely. He returns to his friends. Meanwhile I've been whistled at, stared at, honked at. Another guy from the group of homeless men comes over and sits and asks me what my major is. We chat, I call Ashley. Forty five minutes pass and bus 21 finally comes.

I get on. I'm sitting on the bus for a while and look around. I am nowhere near campus. In fact, this place doesn't look familiar at all. Soon all of the signs, restaurants, and stores are in Spanish. I'm beginning to think I've gotten on the wrong bus. I figure maybe the bus will eventually loop around. Or at least I have to hope, because I just spent the dollar I borrowed from Ania for the bus and I have nothing else except for my phone, which is quickly running out of battery. Eventually I'm the only one on the bus and the electronic voice comes on the intercom saying "End of route." The bus stops, I get out and sit for a bit. Another bus comes up and asks me if I'm getting on. I ask him if he's going to campus. He says yes, and tells me to get in. I do. Two hours from when I had originally tried to leave, I arrive on campus.

And now I'm sitting in Yasmin's room ordering Thai food to be delivered.

Aye yi yi.

LOLZ ANGLEZ.

colder days, registration, tights.

I should have known

That where there is free food, there is Adrian.

I think

that I would feel much more happy and fulfilled if I was actually learning about stuff that I was interested in.

Determining "what I am actually interested in" seems to be a harder task than one would expect.

I don't really know what would feel right -- but I just know that this doesn't quite fit.

Back to the drawing board.

So now what?

I'm starting to get that restless feeling that I always get after a while.
I don't know if it's because school is so damn monotonous or if because my life is starting to feel that way.

Halloween weekend.

Bananas, condoms, pivotal text messages, pugs in costumes, Southlake, Calculus studying...

...Understanding, moving on, clarity.

Incomplete.

Pierre Gassendi objects to Descartes's cogito:
you conclude that the proposition I am or I exist is true whenever it comes before you, i.e. is conceived by your mind. But I can't see that you needed all this apparatus, when you were already rightly certain, on other grounds, that you existed. You could have made the same inference from any one of your other actions, since it is known by the natural light that whatever acts exists.
Descartes responds:
You say that I could have made the same inference from any one of my other actions, but that is far from the truth, because my thought is the only one of my actions of which I am completely certain-- I'm talking here about metaphysical certainty, because that's what this is all about. For example, I can't say 'I am walking, therefore I exist', except by adding to my walking my awareness of walking, which is a thought. The inference is certain-- meaning that it makes the conclusion certain-- only if its premise concerns this awareness, and not the movement of my body; because it can happen, e.g. in dreams, that I seem to myself to be walking but am really not doing so. And so from the fact that I think I am walking I can very well infer the existence of a mind that thinks but not the existence of a body that walks. And the same holds for all the other cases.
Discuss this disagreement, identify the central issue, and give your own reasons for resolving it in favor of Gassendi or Descartes.
I am walking. I look around me and see a tree, a streetlamp, and a dog. I hear the dog barking. I feel the wind on my skin. I must exist. One would be foolish to argue my lack of existence. In particular, Pierre Gassendi would argue that I exist.

I wake up. What had appeared to be a concrete world was only a manifestation of my mind. The seemingly obvious conclusion that I existed because I was walking, that I was seeing, that I was hearing and feeling was founded on a betrayal of my perception. In this way, Descartes defends his cogito against Gassendi’s attack that “I think, therefore I am” is too narrow. Gassendi asserts that any action, not just thinking, implies existence. Essentially he iterates that one could say that “I walk, therefore I exist” or perhaps “I see, therefore I exist” or even “I feel therefore I exist.” The discrepancy between their statements is an issue of what exactly implies existence. Can an action alone prove existence?

As seen in the aforementioned example, it cannot. The actions themselves are not substantial, because they have proved unreliable indicators of existence previously (e.g. dreams). If I am fooled to think that I exist in a dream because I was walking or hearing or feeling, then I am a fool to not doubt that whenever I walk or whenever I hear, then perhaps I am not existing. Instead I could possibly think that I am walking or think that I am hearing, but never be absolutely certain. The inability to assign these actions universally to confirm existence makes Gassendi’s statement only a contingent truth. “I walk, therefore I exist” only works under normal conditions. The flaw in Gassendi’s argument is that walking and hearing and any action for that matter are merely what the mind perceives. What can I be certain of then? I can only be completely certain that I think I walk and that I think I hear. Clearly the basis of both of these statements is that “I think”. All other actions can be systematically broken down, but eventually all things lead back to thought.

Another approach to establishing “thinking” as the only plausible method for proving existence is by breaking down the world around oneself. This justification would be externalist while the previously discussed argument relies on internalist justification. Instead of breaking down the thoughts themselves, an externalist must break down the existence of the world itself. Descartes suggests an exercise of convincing himself that there is “absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies,” that there is “a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who is deliberately and constantly deceiving me.” The existence of the world around him could be thought away, but inevitably he could not think his own thoughts away. Again all actions and perceptions lead back to thought.

This is not close to being finished, but I'm all out of juice.

What choo tink? (Oh. No.)

Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just be honest to each other right from the get go?

Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to sidestep around anything and were frank about everything?

But would it?

Ain't that shallow.

Went to Calculus and did homework with Andrew and Michael.
It is pretty clear that Andrew is interested in me.
He's cute and I'm attracted to him.
But there is nothing else there.
We don't have very much to talk about.
But he wants me to go to a Halloween party with him this Saturday.
But there's just nothing there.

I'm glad [surprised] to find that I ain't that shallow.

Today was a long, but productive day.

I woke up and saw the raindrops on the window. I got out of bed, put on some clothes, stepped outside, and realized it was cold, rainy, and wet. I went to Littlefield to buy a 14 dollar umbrella. Classes, classes, classes.

It was beautiful outside in the afternoon. Yas and I headed to the mall. I spent 24 dollars at Papaya, and I got three dresses and two shirts. She apparently didn't charge me for something.

Then we went to Home Depot. Yasmin had a project where she had to spend under 10 dollars on something and use it in a way it isn't normally used. So we got PVC piping, made it into a circle, and thus: hula hoop. We just spray painted it hot pink.

Then we went to Goodwill. We got scarves!

Then we went to HEB, and I bought bagels, cream cheese, and salmon. I got pound cake, blood orange soda, and udon noodle soup.

All in all, it was a very successful day filled with cool breezes, pretty clouds, and lots of singing in the car.

What to do.

I'm getting restless again.

???

Friday, Ashley! We played pool with Monica and Jordan. Went shopping with Tim. Ate at Veggie Heaven with Jordan and Tim and Peter. Ashley had to go. Went wandering through the Quad. Found the Wine and Cheese social, which was getting out of hand. Saw Katya. Rode my bike around. Read Theses in the Joyne's room. Went upstairs to my room with Peter. Nothing happened, mind you. Just lay there for a while. I went to sleep. Peter left.

Went to Maker Faire with Mia, Adrian, Ellen, and Adrian's friend and his girlfriend. Swap-o-rama was fantastic. There were just piles of clothes everywhere and you just grab whatever you want, then go sit at a sewing machine. Made some pins. Was exhausted. Ate Sonic. Came back to my room. Napped for too long. Woke up. Didn't feel like going to the Newspaper party. Went out for Gyro Pizza with Peter. Went back to his apartment and played Nintendo and watched Home Alone. He drops me off at my place, and I go to sleep.

It's one in the afternoon now. I need to do something productive today.

Just a couple of things.

So I went to sleep at 4:30 this morning, woke up at 7 and finished reading my Apocryphal gospels, decided what classes I'm taking this spring, and did my Calculus homework. So productive in the morning!

Today I talk to Dr. Yacaman for advising for the new semester and essentially it shall go something like this...

Yacaman: What classes do you want to take?
Kristine: ???

Yacaman: What do you want to do with your Chemical Engineering degree?
Kristine: ???

Yacaman: Did you fill out the required form?
Kristine: ???

Ok, I filled a little bit of the form out. Then I have Uses and Abuses of the Bible, where we'll talk about those crazy other gospels that didn't quite make the cut.
(Note the story of child Jesus destroying another kid for not sharing)

Then to Calculus where I'll find that I didn't do a single problem correctly.

Then at 3:30 I'm skipping my Chemical Engineering field trip to have a "casual conversation" with Bill Powers, the President of UT. I don't know. I get weird invites in the mail. Peter wrote him a card for me to give him. I helped a little. It goes like this...

[front image of woman with afro]

[inside the card: Nancy always had thick ankles, but no one really noticed.]

Peter's words:

Mr. Powers,

I saw this card at Wal-Mart last week and I knew I had to buy it and give it to someone special.
Days passed...
Birthdays of acquaintances flew by...
No one special.
Then my friend Kristine told me she was meeting the President of UT and I knew I'd found that person.
I hope this brightens your day,
Peter Antosh

P.S. Call me -- we'll get coffee sometime. [Peter's # here]

Needless to say, today's going to be an interesting day.

Life's too short, right?

This past weekend was really great.
I can't think of having it any other way.

I'm feeling rejuvenated.
It's getting colder outside and I'm excited about it.

I can't wait to get my scarves and my boots and my sweaters.
I can't wait for warm nights indoors after a cold day out.

Lost enthusiasm.

I had a quiz this morning at nine.
I woke up at eight fifty four.

I ran (briskly walked) to class, took my quiz, and all is well.
But geez. Scared me half to death.

Only thing keeping me going is this weekend.
I don't want to live only for the weekends.

Where is my enthusiasm?

Twelve Thirteen.

I'm sitting in the Union with Yasmin and Nathan.
I'm not really thinking or feeling or doing anything.
Instead my fingers are just feeling their way around the keyboard as I watch the words splay out onto the screen.

This week should be interesting. I keep considering more and more whether I should just go back to Dallas without telling my parents. The bus ticket for the Texas Express is 35 dollars and the Greyhound is around 65(?) round trip. Eh. That's a lot of money. I'm probably better off telling them, but they'll only let me take the Texas Express, which only leaves at 4 on Friday, which is conflicting for me or let me take the Greyhound if someone goes with me. Aye-yi-yi, indeed.

I can only focus on this weekend. Otherwise, everything becomes too overwhelming to handle. I don't know what's overwhelming me, but I can feel it. Perhaps I should have just gone to sleep.

Aye yi yi.

What a mess.

I

Have shorts on.

I can make a mess like nobody's business

You're always in control, you never make a big deal.
You always are your own, you never need someone to feel good.
For yourself.
You always watch yourself, after everyone else.
You never change shoe, because it's on the right foot.

And we're all finding ways, to find ourselves.
Through these, broken, fallen walls that we call, we call our own.
And we're never looking away.
Hopefully someday we can just stay young.

When you're expectations of people are low, it's harder to be disappointed.
When you don't put yourself out there, it's harder to get hurt.

A walk down the street.

Yasmin and I were talking about how we need to change our perceptions.

There's a group meeting every Saturday called For A Ruthless Criticism of Everything Existing and essentially it's all about questioning everything, breaking apart all assumptions, breaking the system.

It seems like everything around me has been getting back to the same thing: question everything.

When we went to the art museum, the exhibit was about answering the question "What is Art?" And even greater, rediscovering the beauty in the everyday world. It was about seeing things with new eyes, about taking all of the things that you take for granted, that you pass by every day, that you disregard every second, that you take as a given and distorting it or displaying it in a new way so that next time maybe you'll think about it in a new way or at least not assume it'll always be the same.

I think the worst thing we can do is to break down our lives systematically.
You walk down the street, go to class, sit in a chair.
This may be something you do each day but there's so much that is taken for granted by only thinking of it in this way. There may be houses you pass, people you pass, cracks in the ground, clouds in the sky that are being broken down into a 'walk down the street'.

It's not only that.
I'm unsure of what else it is.
I'm out of steam.

I really need to stop feeling so damn miserable.
It's weird, because a couple of days ago I was in a terrific mood.

It just gets harder to see the point of everything.
I'm fine and things are going well.

It's just I keep having this lingering feeling that everything is so temporary.

Listening to the new Stars album

and for some reason, it makes me want to cry.

I think I'm going crazy.

I had the most intense feeling of deja vu the other day. I had to think if I was dreaming or not. Nothing made sense for a few seconds, but then I came back to reality.

I don't really know if it had happened before or anything, but I have never had a more powerful deja vu. I think it might have been that I needed sleep and it was really late at night, but at the time it didn't make sense at all.

In reality, I am going crazy.

Insomniac.

I can't sleep. I'm a little frustrated. I've got a test tomorrow.
I can't study anymore. I can't think anymore.

I'm really excited about going back home next weekend.
I didn't feel homesick this past month, because I haven't really had time to feel it.
But I'm really excited to see everyone again.

At least once my Philosophy test is over tomorrow, I've got a pretty easy rest of the week ahead of me.

I'm out of words. Sleep, oh sweet sleep.

Sitting on a bench.

What a pretty day.

The strange dynamics of human interaction.

I think too much about things.

To do this week:
-- Lunch with Cathy Kim
-- Lunch in general
-- Go to class more
-- Find my deodorant

Contemplating

I'm sitting in bed as per usual. I just ate some bad sushi from Littlefield.
I was actually just going to bring it up to my room and put it down, but I got coaxed into bed and started eating. I should be in Philosophy class, especially since we have a test next class. So hard to get up though. And since I'm apparently skipping class, I should go to the Jena Six rally and meet up with Monica and Jordan if they're still there, but they're not answering their phones.

So instead I'm laying here. I do need a break. I just took my Calc exam so I feel it is well-deserved. Mm. So sleepy.

Finally.

I'm in a terrific mood.

Everything is just going so well. Perhaps not my school work -- I mean it's not going terribly. But it's not excellent. I'm definitely a lot more productive than last year though. And today once I recoop, I'm going to get lots of work done. Research for my essay, write my essay, write a rough draft of my article, study for Calculus, study for Philosophy... It might get into tomorrow too apparently.

So I might go home for homecoming, so everyone must go. There's really no other option.

Ashley will be coming to Austin the weekend after that.

And then I'll be home the weekend after that.

Ahh. . .So happy.

Edit:

Oh my god. I just heard about Erin. I don't even know what to say.

I wonder

if I blog too much. Nah!

I'm sitting in bed with my fan blowing on me, music playing, burrito in hand, and a Clementine Izze on my desk. I'm feeling really great. It wasn't so much that it was a long week or a stressful one for me, but I can't describe the feeling of being done with school for a few days. I feel kind of greasy though so I could use a good shower.

Tonight, I'm going to try to rendezvous with Monica, go to the mall with Yasmin, go to an OxFam party (yay! free trade!), then go to Tyler and Mary's apartment.

Or I would be totally fine just laying here for a while.

My family is coming to visit me next weekend. Everyone should hide in their luggages and come visit.

And Nathan, the gay boy, is going to bring his sewing machine up from home and we're going to sew together! Aw, I miss sewing.

Look!

It's me. Sitting and trying to find monica.

Creep.

Look. It's my roommate!

I know

I blog too much.
I really can't help it.
I'm not one of those people who uses talking aloud as their outlet.
I think too much and override my own thoughts to let that happen.

I'm feeling refreshed. I don't know if it's just washing my face and brushing my teeth that did it, but I feel this overwhelming sense of not really clarity, but just ease of mind.

I don't think I've been this at peace with myself since ... I don't even know.
Inevitably I will still have my insecurities, and my worries, but at the same time, I feel like in the long run things will be fine.

Kind of a vague blog, but I'm just feeling good.

Heaven.

I can't really remember the bulk of my dream. But the part that struck me the most where these two people, a guy and a girl. I suppose they both were dead? From what I perceived, it seemed like the girl had died and the guy was following her (Ah, reminiscient of Death Cab's "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"). Well there was this literal dark wall. I think only Cristina or perhaps Jordan will catch this reference, but it looked like the dark wall in Zelda. Before they left, I told them to send me a sign in the sky to let me know that they were okay. I don't know if I really was concerned about their well-being, or rather for my own comfort that there was a heaven. They agreed and stepped into the dark wall.

I looked up into the sky, and I saw this really cheesy cloud formation resembling two figures holding hands.

I thought it was beautiful at the time.
When I woke up, it just seemed so silly.

There's a strange

feeling in my side.

I think it's due to extreme inactivity.

Recap of today:
-- Woke up at 11:30
-- Went to Uses and Abuses of the Bible at 12:30
-- Went to Calculus at 2
-- Ate lunch with Allen at 3
-- Slept until 5
-- Ordered food with Yasmin
-- Lay in bed waiting for food
-- Watched Sex and the City
-- Came back to Blanton 5th
-- Talked to some of the neighbors
-- Sitting in bed

Lots of bullets. Not a lot of activity.
Speaking of bullets, I shot a gun yesterday.

In general, I'm pretty happy.
Wednesday: Trash to Treasure
Thursday: PlaystASIAN 3, haha. Some Asian congregation with Adrian and Ellen

Dudes. Go to Maker Faire with me. For real.

Mondays

Aren't that bad.

list·less [list-lis]

–adjective
having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent: a listless mood; a listless handshake.

I think I've become bored with life. I'm never really sitting around feeling bored, yet there's just this pull in me for something else.

I think the entire problem is the dichotomy of my personality.

There is the side of me that likes to be independent, that is lazy, that wants to take things day to day, that becomes complacent.

Then there is the side of me that wants to be proactive, that wants to think of the future, that wants to do things with my life, that wants to interact with the world, but is held back because the other part of me won't move because of the temporary strain of hard work.

It might be a disconnection between my mind (which yearns for something more) and my body (which is a lazy piece of lard)

Trivial.

I was sitting in my room when a friend of my roommate came in crying. A mutual friend of theirs had died that day. He wasn't a close friend. Does it matter though? They had known him since middle school. They stood there reminiscing, sometimes laughing about the things he used to do. They remembered about how he was allergic to everything. He couldn't participate in the dissection in their bio class because he would have an allergic reaction. They remembered how small he was. The fact that he was gone didn't seem real.

Meanwhile I was sitting there watching this all take place, not knowing what to say. I could only watch. Everything else seemed so trivial. I wondered how I would react if someone that I knew since middle school (I don't even know of anyone I've known that long) had passed away.

I know that after something tragic happens, everyone suddenly experiences some sort of emotional transformation, but then time passes and they return to their former selves. Things need to change. I need to appreciate what's around me. In that book that I was reading, it tried to help you realize what's important in your life by imagining a funeral of someone close to you. All of your loved ones are there, family and friends. And they all get up to talk about the person who passed away, and then you realize that it's for you. What would you want your family to say about you, your friends, your peers? It's kind of morose talk but it allows you to stand back and take a look at your life and decide what you want out of it.

I still don't really know what I want out of life but I'm going to try to not just take things day to day. I feel like I need to also consider the bigger scope of things instead of just shuffling through the present.

What a day.

Of course I went to class. Blah blah. Then I met up with Charles and Graham to go to ACL.

We watched LCD Soundsystem, which was a really good show. Then they went to watch Queens of the Stone Age, and I headed to see Spoon. I missed Blonde Redhead, which apparently according to Alex Au was a phenomenal performance. I met a girl who goes here to UT and is really cool and we stuck together so we wouldn't get lost on the buses back. But I did catch Bjork, which was really cool. Weird but really cool.

Then we made our way to the buses, catching glimpses of the Killers on the way. We finally got to a bus and I had to pee tremendously. It brought us back to Guadalupe but not back to campus so we made our way to the next bus stop, and finally to Austin's Pizza, where we had pizza rolls and I got to pee.

Then I made my way down to the Quad, and met up with Yasmin and Eric. We headed over to Trevor's house. It was a good time. I really just wanted to relax after a tiring day of music, so I chilled for a decent amount of time. There were so many people there, but I didn't feel like meeting all of them. Finally they left when a rent a cop came by and it was chill again. Yasmin left, and there were only five of us left and it felt tons better without everyone. Walked home, and now I'm in bed, feeling pretty good about today.

So

Happy.

This is

My dorm. It's kind of hard to see but that's basically it'

Panic Attack.

I just had a major freakout. I couldn't find my ACL ticket and I was tearing apart my room.

It was under my bed.
Thank God.

AHHH. Leaving in a couple hours!

Coincidence?

Lately people have been explaining to me their relationship with God. I don't know if the dramatic increase of the topic of religion in my life is because I'm taking a class called Uses and Abuses of the Bible, or maybe I'm supposed to find out more about God.

Skepticism and reason is hard for me to brush aside, but I think now at this time in my life I would be able to look into religion. And not only religion, but my life in general. For most of my life, I have never really lived my own life. That sounds silly, but it's true. Either I followed the guidelines that my parents had drawn out for me, or that which society and my environment had. This is the first time I feel that I'm in control of my own life.

On a more trivial but related note, I can picture myself living on my own for the first time. This experience has aided in making me more of an independent person, I think. Admittedly I am still dependent on my parents for financial and emotional support, but this is the first time in my life that I could ever see myself being my own person. I have never truthfully been able to see myself in the future, but now I can picture myself in a cozy apartment on my own. The details are still a bit vague, but for the first time I can picture it. I know that for most people that comes easily, but I've always struggled with the concept. And I think the reason I couldn't before was because I was never really living for me.

Reevaluation.

Having come to college (and this may sound just silly seeing as I've only been here for what two weeks now?), I may be feeling the change in myself that I had been looking for previously. And it isn't that I've changed really. My personality hasn't changed. My interests haven't changed. But I've been reading this book for class -- Intro to Chemical Engineering of all things. It's called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Understandably the title kind of gives off the impression that it is a cheesy book full of "Be more assertive" or perhaps "Plan your time effectively" kind of bullshit. Instead it takes a different approach that I actually find myself wanting to actually pursue.

Essentially, the book begins by establishing the problem with society and the problem with our attitudes or perceptions of the world. It's hard to explain altogether, because it takes from all parts of our lives and breaks it down to the essential principles that we should stand by as opposed to the quick fix methods of going about our lives. It reverts back to the methods as broken down by Benjamin Franklin back in the day. It's funny because as time has progressed and technology has progressed, we always want the fast way out and all of the social help books on personality ethics are based on this as well. Think about when you go to school and you read the chapter the night before the test, because you just want to get by. You're not doing it for the pursuit of knowledge, but rather you are wanting a quick way out. I'm guilty of it most definitely. In fact, I don't think I learned a single thing my senior year of high school. I think I've learned more these past two weeks than I did during the entirety of last year. It's so hard to break down exactly what the book is helping you do. But in simple terms, it teaches you how to lead a more fulfilling life. And I think that's the most important thing that I could learn, that anyone can learn.

I know all of this sounds cheesy, but I definitely feel a bit of a paradigm shift in my mindset. It's as though the alignment of reality and my perception of reality wasn't quite in alignment, but I'm starting to feel like it's almost coming into place. It's like when I didn't have glasses, I thought my vision was just fine. I could get by. I didn't think there could be much more that could be done. After I got glasses, I realized everything that I had been missing out on. Everything clarified -- the blurriness became crisp strong lines.

But even as I say this now, I feel that I'm still not at the peak of what I can perceive. Maybe I think everything is clear, but really it's just slightly less blurry. I think that's what growing older is about. Reevaluating, adjusting, and admitting that you don't know everything, that there's potential for improvement.

Did you hear about that?

Woke up in Monica's bed. Was too lazy to go back to my place. Borrowed a shirt.

Tried to catch the bus. The bus was too fast. Walked the rest of the way to class.

Didn't talk in World Lit. Didn't read the right things. Failed to impress professor.

Skipped Calculus. Ate Shrimp Lo Mein with Yasmin. Slept in Philosophy.

Ate chicken nuggets at Littlefield. Went to my room. Took the best nap.

Met Adrian at Carothers. Went to Olive Garden. No time for WalMart. No time for bike.

Dropped Adrian off. Drove to the Quad. Parked on the street. Sitting in bed.

Hello darling.

Today I woke up and took up Yasmin's bed so she had to sleep in her roommate's bed.

Then we went to Kinsolving and ate tasteless pasta, strange stuffed peppers, and something called the London Broil. Needless to say, I didn't eat much.

We went to the T Mobile store where a very cool guy reprimanded me for having Sprint and taking all of their abuses. He told me to be proactive. Very true. He also told us places to go to find cheaper phones. Went to Costco then Target.

My parents came up to bring the brand spanking new looking Eclipse. It looks really good. Like new, man. So we went to Adrian's apartment for a while, then went out for dinner at a delicious Chinese restaurant called Din Ho with my parents, Ellen, Adrian, Kyle, and Yasmin. Just a normal Fernandez family gathering. Duck, Pork, Oyster, and Fish galore. I don't know why I capitalized all of the food. Then back to Adrian's place where I played Life with Adrian, Ellen, Yas, and Ellen's friend Courtney.

I lost miserably.

Then Yas and I headed over to Peter's apartment where we made cookies then successfully did nothing, except write poetry about architecture and watched old Nick shows. Then to Katya's and Anya's house where we continued doing nothing.

Let's see if I can remember mine:

wall space wall floor
window light hall door
around the corner
across the bridge
something something
architecture is

Beauty in line, composition, detail
Skill, proficiency in evey nail

Plank by plank
brick by brick
Created to be geometric

tile ceiling ramp column
rustic homey modern solemn
around the corner
across the bridge
something something
architecture is

I'm pretty sure I'm missing an entire stanza, but eh.

And now I'm here. I was exhausted a little while ago, but not so much anymore.

I need to shower.

I also need to pee again.

Better.

I feel like I haven't listened to music in forever. Usually I'd listen to music in my car. Here I don't drive. I would listen to my headphones on the street but I don't know where they are. Also I've realized that if I'm tuned into my headphones, I look incredibly unapproachable. Only when I'm on my laptop do I listen to music. And I'm rarely in my room so I just never jam. Adrian says he'll let me drive the car (ha) so maybe I'll have more time to jam (especially with the new gangsta sound system) Oh dear I'm going to get killed.

I need to brush my teeth, but I'm too lazy to go down the hall. Pathetic, yes?

It strangely smells like Vicks Vapor Rub in my room right now.

I need to get out of these jeans.

I also need to read the Bible (for class).

I'm a bum.

I must not get complacent.

Oh, but how content I am with the ease of complacency.

College.

It certainly doesn't feel like anything too drastically different.

For some reason, I was expecting that when I arrived at college, it would be world-changing. I guess I can't really say anything yet, since I've only been here several days. . . and I guess in a way, lots of things have changed. I think it's more that I was expecting myself to change. Or maybe i was expecting some abrupt awkward transition. Right now I've kind of adjusted to the flow of things.

Aside from the construction going on somewhere above me, the dorms are fine. The people on the floor are nice. In a few minutes, I'm going to some Engineering thing. I believe it's called a Fall Gathering. How thrilling. I figure I ought to go though instead of sitting in my room taking a nap (which I've done already actually).

I went with Yasmin to a party last night. It was alright.

Tomorrow classes begin. Eek.

Chloe

Is helping me pack.

Accidental Poetry.

Alliant or you help me but
To just saying whole it has not been
the world has the annual just as opulent evil
hello to me
a quick bite
us totally
as a top lot to think
you tell it and I think he's quick
last contact world wheat
have a little at what he's saying
it would you like to say something
put Moon has clearly
it a lot to have little time
to sit
Pita elegant sake
we believe
Will never see a little in
at just that whole thing is
that he has it
that you can it
and that he's allocates it
and to it as I do
it all that has been
an asteroid alike in a status I can't see
some up to it in a meeting
eyes in the desolate song
that is a good guy
I can tell out becomes
a mix could totally has to have to read
in yet to get some
the review needs to sit and eat more
that has been a strong presence
will when a decent a late sell the review
need to sit and eat more
have the world we have a little out
what you say how would you like to think
that man while that while not a roomful
of the sitter of an illiterate little
out of room to say it taken a toll but hung
and and
has it as a and have tarred
and and and and
to an ironic ironic what you understand
that me and says worth tens of it
as a citizen in the lists the ice
and snow into it
and since it a I will let it my computer literate
and the set to as little rain but yet.

Here I go.

I keep waking up in my bed and just lying there for a while thinking about the rather large change that is coming my way. But no matter how long I lie there, I'm still unable to grasp it. I suppose it's because it's unfamiliar territory -- something unprecedented in my life so I don't have anything tangible in my mind to work with that I can react to.

So instead in my head, there are only the words: "I'm leaving for college." Just words in my head. Nothing more. No emotion attached, no despair, nothing. Because aren't they just words?

But there's something going on in the back of my head, trying to remind me that they aren't just words, and I just keep pushing it back to the back of my head, because I'm not ready to admit anything yet.

Packing

Is futile.

I never

Really appreciate what's in my own backyard.

I had a dream

that I was trying to smoke hookah with Cristina and Ashley and Emily, I think. But for some reason we were trying to set it up in my parent's room. I kept telling them it was a bad idea and that we should smoke it in the park. I panic, then I try to hide it underneath this blanket in their room, while I think of a plan. But my mom comes in, goes to tidy up the blanket, sees the hookah, and begins to reprimand me. End of that dream.

In the next dream, I just remember being with a bunch of people that I don't know in real life, but I seemed to be good friends with all of them in my dream. I kept getting close to this one guy, and we began making out. We then tried to find a room where we could have sex, but for some reason my grandma was there and she kept following us so we couldn't.

I like how my dreams can be pretty easily translated.
I don't like how my dreams are so realistic, and also very vague (or at least my memory of them is vague). Dreams shouldn't be a bore.

I wish

I cared more about everything.

Countdown.

Two weeks.

Indifference.

I've gotten so good at acting indifferent that it has come to the point that I've become so indifferent.

It has become readily apparent...

...that I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of what people might think of me. I'm scared of death. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of admitting things to myself. I'm also scared of admitting that I'm scared.

I like to pretend I'm not. I don't know if "like" is really it. I suppose it's easiest to pretend I'm not.

Considering all of this, you'd think I'd be scared about college. I'm sad that this part of my life is over and that a new part is beginning, but I think I'm ready for it. Nervous excitement, to be sure. But for no good real reason, I know somehow that things are going to be good.

Honesty.

I have trouble with honesty. I don't know if it's trust issues or if it's because I'm scared of what people might think. Sometimes there's no suitable explanation for what I might lie about. Sometimes it's just what is easier at the time.

Perhaps it's an omission of truth. Or rather it's a slight alteration the truth, I can't seem to be always truthful all the time. Don't suddenly question everything I am or everything I've told you. Rather urge me to be honest with you in the future. In the end, I want to be honest with everyone, but it's hard for me sometimes.

In other news, I'm helping my mother make Puto (filipino pastry) and we went school supply shopping and we're going to sew soon. Bonding for reals.

Ok.

Think the blue wall, black words.

What should those words be? What phrase, saying, word sums up me?

Also:

I hope dorm room bunk beds look like this:


Other things to note:

Histrionics.

I went and got my haircut yesterday, which is probably known to most people who read this since it's fairly limited to a select audience who should have heard already (with the exception of Cristina who isn't back yet)

Other than that, nothing of extreme importance has happened lately. I guess it's the Final Countdown. I wish I could have that song playing in the background. Actually I could, but that just sounds cheesy.

I haven't posted anything lately, because there hasn't been anything on my mind really. It's all been very chill lately. Blogs tend to be prompted by something overly exciting or overly anxiety-ridden.

So that was all a roundabout way of saying that I have nothing of interest to say. And there you go.

Yeah.

New hair. Bad face.

Errbody gets their hair did.

Alex got bangs! And caught me taking pictures of myself.

Slightly uncomfortable.

The A/C in our house is misbehaving. Thus I'm slightly sticky. It's not unbearable though. Just slightly uncomfortable.

I guess that's kind of how the past couple of days have been. Not unbearable. Just slightly uncomfortable. I don't really know why. I have my suspicions though.

For some reason I became very upset when I couldn't go out with everyone yesterday. I think my mom thought I hated her for it. She could tell I was upset. It wasn't like "Oh ma, I hate you. I can't believe you won't let me hang out with my friends." I don't really know what it was. I just really needed to see them I guess. I think it's partly that I'm leaving. It's hard to make everyone happy and also be happy myself.

Gotta have sex, baby.

It has become readily apparent that everyone is sexually frustrated in some way shape or form. I call it sexual nihilism. Ha, I need to stop penning terms. It's something to the same degree as your standard nihilism: questioning what's the point, the meaningless of things, and finding the lack of worth in everything. Now just add sex to that. Question what's the point (of sex), the meaningless (of sex), and finding the the worthlessness (of sex).

And it's not even the act of sex in particular, but just engaging in any sort of interaction that inhabits some relationship or connection that isn't a friendship. Essentially the conflict is this: why should I bother trying to find the right guy when (1) it is so hard to and takes some time to work out and (2) it's still complicated when a relationship is established.

So after having broken it up like this, it would be expected that there would be a solution right about

here.

Unfortunately, there really is no right answer. Is there some sort of happy medium, some compromise of the two that will satisfy the long and the short term, the emotional and the physical? I sure hope so, but until then we're left on this teeter totter (see saw?) of emotional and physical confusion. I think inevitably everyone will prefer the first scenario. Frustration may lead to the latter, but ultimately people need more than that.

In other less exciting news, I registered for classes from bed this morning:

Here goes nothing.

Right now I'm trying to organize my class schedule so it isn't completely awful.

It looks like I'm taking Intro to Chemical Engineering, Intro to Computing, Uses and Abuses of the Bible, Differential and Integral Calculus, and Composition and Reading in World Literature. Kind of a weird mix of classes, I'd say. Not too shabby. I have a Plan II Advising meeting at 1:30 so we'll see what they say.

This entire experience isn't too painful (my feet disagree), but quite honestly I am exhausted.

And for some reason my AP scores weren't sent to UT so I ought to take care of that so I can get credit for all that bullshit tests I took back in the day.

Orientation? More like perspiration.

So hot. Why am i wearing jeans right now?

Titter.

I'm sitting at the UT library on their computers with my brother and my dad. I already registered for my tests and finished all of that mandatory hogwash that I have to do until 12.

Yasmin's feeling a little sick so she's at the doctors. I kind of wish I had housing, because of that whole "experience" thing, but I'll live.

Yasmin and I are seeing Harry Potter tonight with the rest of her floor I think.

Sorry for the scatterbrain post. I'm kind of just ... I don't know right now.

I think it's because as discussed in the previous post, it's becoming real.

Weird.

Toxic and deliberate.

For some reason, as annoying and bad as Northstar is, it's very nostalgic and I listen to them a lot for that reason. For the longest time that CD was stuck in the Eclipse so now I have their Pollyanna CD forever engrained in my brain. And every time I listen to it, I get this same undescribable feeling. It's kind of a familiar feeling of something that I can't quite place but I've felt it before.

In other news, I'll be leaving for orientation tonight. Probably around 7 or 8 whenever my brother gets home from work.

3 hour drive. I'd like to find some hemp so I can do this:



It's weird. As close as it is, it still doesn't feel real. Like I will actually be at college being collegiate and whatnot. So I keep bringing it up, spurning dissent from others, in order to make it seem more real. Because it is real.

Lost.

I'm bringing chloe to petsmart with my dad and watching lost on my laptop. It's starting to rain and all i can think about is there are some people i may never see again after a month and a half.

Bad dog.

She keeps placing her new toy squirrel in front of me and growling at me to play with her. That bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

I realize I have already posted a blog just a few hours ago, but I'm just not in control of the intervals at which I must type something out. As I've said multiple times to multiple people, it's cathartic. Suppression of expression is how I dealt with everything for most of my life. I think that's why I've always been so unsure of myself. I am still unsure now, but at least I can work through things. It's just much more tolerable this way.

I've started organizing all of my favorites. Bookmarks, if you will. I know that sounds it is dorky, but from doing this I realized something. I realized what my interests are. I know that sounds like something really elementary. I mean, every survey of ourselves (Myspace, school, interviews, profiles) asks that question: What are your interests? And we should all easily answer this, no? And I thought I had a very good idea, since I am me and all. I'm sure this sounds crazy, but it wasn't until I looked at all of the websites and things that I made note of that there were clearcut patterns of what truly made me tick. Shouldn't I know this already? I don't think I'm very self aware is what it is. And blogging and compiling favorites apparently is what builds that self awareness for me.

Oh, poop. (I realized after typing that, how appropriate it was) I was supposed to clean the bathroom today per father's orders.

There's just something so delightfully vulgar in PBF comics.



All that is playing in my head right now is "One of us" by Joan Osbourne. You think you don't know that song, but wait until I belt out the chorus for you.

"What if God was one of us? Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home"

Wait there's more.

"No one's calling on the phone. Except for the poem maybe in Rome."

It's something like that. I don't know what she's talking about. God's on my speed dial.

I do what I do, baby.

My skin feels sticky. Sticky upon sticky. Outside in the sweltering sun, the heat leaves me sweaty and frizzy-haired. Inside in the air conditioned car or house, I dry, sticky with sweat. Outside again, heat again. Repeat. Repeat.

Other than that, I feel alright. Yes, vague adjective. But the feeling is vague. Staring at the word vague, makes me think of the word vagina and plague. In my world, the word vague would mean a vagina plague. I'm unsure if there would be a something plaguing the vagina or if the vagina was plaguing something else. I'll keep you updated on the details.

Today I've successfully gone out to eat with Monica and Cristina at McAlister's Deli.

Oh. Wait. Should there be more? Because that's all I have to offer.

Now Monica and I are in the same room on our respective laptops.

Welcome to the exciting life of Kristine. I'm really not as spiteful as I sound, I swear. I'm actually quite content.

Orientation's coming up next week. I'll be there the entire week probably, picking classes and picking the direction of my life. No biggie really.

"Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall"
Who writes about scooters? I can see vacation being a topic. And by fall, do they mean autumn or is it more of a fall down the stairs kind of thing?

I think the reason I have trouble with narrative style of writing lately is because nothing is really happening. I guess that's not true, because when something did happen, I was still only able to write how I felt and not of what actually happened. My head automatically tagged it as a defense mechanism, but that's just the psychiatrist in me talking. And automatically afterwards, disregarded the idea. All in all, what can be taken from this series of thoughts is that I'm really fucking weird.

I just got my letter from the Engineering program explaining that I have to write a thank you to those providing my scholarship. In other words, I must contrive another BS compilation of what I've done throughout my high school career alongside another BS thank you to someone I could care less about. I suppose I should be thankful. They are providing me a doorway to a higher education. Or something like that.

I was watching some show about starting college on TV the other day. No, it wasn't that god-awful Greek show, idealizing the fraternity/sorority aspect of college. It was something on The-N. And surprisingly, it was actually somewhat relatable. Take that, sitcoms of the past. Unfortunately, someone died in the show, so I'm hoping it isn't completely relatable to. And someone had to die -- as relatable as it may be, it is still on TV. Sensationalism, folks. Is that even sensationalism? I'm pretty sure sensationalism involved the news media & tabloids. Aka Yellow Journalism. Wikipedia that shit. Yeah, that's my history term for the week. Funny how the only time I've used that tidbit of knowledge has been in a blog. I suppose that says something about all we've learned at school. Makes it all seem worthless. In reality, it's what we do with said knowledge. God, that's pretty cliche, even for me.

I should probably learn to be brief. Which brings to mind two things for me:
-- A cutout from a newspaper hanging on my wall of Shakespeare in his briefs with a speaking bubble saying "'Tis better to be brief"
-- My former AP English teacher, Mrs. Langford who preached that "Brevity is your enemy."

Huh. Those sort of contradict each other, don't they?

My father just said in a sort of obnoxious accent, "I beat you in all the games." Then there was the resounding and ever-present "You lil nasty." They're playing the Wii, if I forgot to mention that little tidbit of information.

We might head to Bagheri's tonight, which will be delightful since I haven't been there since they moved. I ought to cash one of my checks though. I'm awful broke.

Bye, Graduation money, ta. It was good while you lasted.