Halloween weekend.

Bananas, condoms, pivotal text messages, pugs in costumes, Southlake, Calculus studying...

...Understanding, moving on, clarity.

Incomplete.

Pierre Gassendi objects to Descartes's cogito:
you conclude that the proposition I am or I exist is true whenever it comes before you, i.e. is conceived by your mind. But I can't see that you needed all this apparatus, when you were already rightly certain, on other grounds, that you existed. You could have made the same inference from any one of your other actions, since it is known by the natural light that whatever acts exists.
Descartes responds:
You say that I could have made the same inference from any one of my other actions, but that is far from the truth, because my thought is the only one of my actions of which I am completely certain-- I'm talking here about metaphysical certainty, because that's what this is all about. For example, I can't say 'I am walking, therefore I exist', except by adding to my walking my awareness of walking, which is a thought. The inference is certain-- meaning that it makes the conclusion certain-- only if its premise concerns this awareness, and not the movement of my body; because it can happen, e.g. in dreams, that I seem to myself to be walking but am really not doing so. And so from the fact that I think I am walking I can very well infer the existence of a mind that thinks but not the existence of a body that walks. And the same holds for all the other cases.
Discuss this disagreement, identify the central issue, and give your own reasons for resolving it in favor of Gassendi or Descartes.
I am walking. I look around me and see a tree, a streetlamp, and a dog. I hear the dog barking. I feel the wind on my skin. I must exist. One would be foolish to argue my lack of existence. In particular, Pierre Gassendi would argue that I exist.

I wake up. What had appeared to be a concrete world was only a manifestation of my mind. The seemingly obvious conclusion that I existed because I was walking, that I was seeing, that I was hearing and feeling was founded on a betrayal of my perception. In this way, Descartes defends his cogito against Gassendi’s attack that “I think, therefore I am” is too narrow. Gassendi asserts that any action, not just thinking, implies existence. Essentially he iterates that one could say that “I walk, therefore I exist” or perhaps “I see, therefore I exist” or even “I feel therefore I exist.” The discrepancy between their statements is an issue of what exactly implies existence. Can an action alone prove existence?

As seen in the aforementioned example, it cannot. The actions themselves are not substantial, because they have proved unreliable indicators of existence previously (e.g. dreams). If I am fooled to think that I exist in a dream because I was walking or hearing or feeling, then I am a fool to not doubt that whenever I walk or whenever I hear, then perhaps I am not existing. Instead I could possibly think that I am walking or think that I am hearing, but never be absolutely certain. The inability to assign these actions universally to confirm existence makes Gassendi’s statement only a contingent truth. “I walk, therefore I exist” only works under normal conditions. The flaw in Gassendi’s argument is that walking and hearing and any action for that matter are merely what the mind perceives. What can I be certain of then? I can only be completely certain that I think I walk and that I think I hear. Clearly the basis of both of these statements is that “I think”. All other actions can be systematically broken down, but eventually all things lead back to thought.

Another approach to establishing “thinking” as the only plausible method for proving existence is by breaking down the world around oneself. This justification would be externalist while the previously discussed argument relies on internalist justification. Instead of breaking down the thoughts themselves, an externalist must break down the existence of the world itself. Descartes suggests an exercise of convincing himself that there is “absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies,” that there is “a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who is deliberately and constantly deceiving me.” The existence of the world around him could be thought away, but inevitably he could not think his own thoughts away. Again all actions and perceptions lead back to thought.

This is not close to being finished, but I'm all out of juice.

What choo tink? (Oh. No.)

Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just be honest to each other right from the get go?

Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to sidestep around anything and were frank about everything?

But would it?

Ain't that shallow.

Went to Calculus and did homework with Andrew and Michael.
It is pretty clear that Andrew is interested in me.
He's cute and I'm attracted to him.
But there is nothing else there.
We don't have very much to talk about.
But he wants me to go to a Halloween party with him this Saturday.
But there's just nothing there.

I'm glad [surprised] to find that I ain't that shallow.

Today was a long, but productive day.

I woke up and saw the raindrops on the window. I got out of bed, put on some clothes, stepped outside, and realized it was cold, rainy, and wet. I went to Littlefield to buy a 14 dollar umbrella. Classes, classes, classes.

It was beautiful outside in the afternoon. Yas and I headed to the mall. I spent 24 dollars at Papaya, and I got three dresses and two shirts. She apparently didn't charge me for something.

Then we went to Home Depot. Yasmin had a project where she had to spend under 10 dollars on something and use it in a way it isn't normally used. So we got PVC piping, made it into a circle, and thus: hula hoop. We just spray painted it hot pink.

Then we went to Goodwill. We got scarves!

Then we went to HEB, and I bought bagels, cream cheese, and salmon. I got pound cake, blood orange soda, and udon noodle soup.

All in all, it was a very successful day filled with cool breezes, pretty clouds, and lots of singing in the car.

What to do.

I'm getting restless again.

???

Friday, Ashley! We played pool with Monica and Jordan. Went shopping with Tim. Ate at Veggie Heaven with Jordan and Tim and Peter. Ashley had to go. Went wandering through the Quad. Found the Wine and Cheese social, which was getting out of hand. Saw Katya. Rode my bike around. Read Theses in the Joyne's room. Went upstairs to my room with Peter. Nothing happened, mind you. Just lay there for a while. I went to sleep. Peter left.

Went to Maker Faire with Mia, Adrian, Ellen, and Adrian's friend and his girlfriend. Swap-o-rama was fantastic. There were just piles of clothes everywhere and you just grab whatever you want, then go sit at a sewing machine. Made some pins. Was exhausted. Ate Sonic. Came back to my room. Napped for too long. Woke up. Didn't feel like going to the Newspaper party. Went out for Gyro Pizza with Peter. Went back to his apartment and played Nintendo and watched Home Alone. He drops me off at my place, and I go to sleep.

It's one in the afternoon now. I need to do something productive today.

Just a couple of things.

So I went to sleep at 4:30 this morning, woke up at 7 and finished reading my Apocryphal gospels, decided what classes I'm taking this spring, and did my Calculus homework. So productive in the morning!

Today I talk to Dr. Yacaman for advising for the new semester and essentially it shall go something like this...

Yacaman: What classes do you want to take?
Kristine: ???

Yacaman: What do you want to do with your Chemical Engineering degree?
Kristine: ???

Yacaman: Did you fill out the required form?
Kristine: ???

Ok, I filled a little bit of the form out. Then I have Uses and Abuses of the Bible, where we'll talk about those crazy other gospels that didn't quite make the cut.
(Note the story of child Jesus destroying another kid for not sharing)

Then to Calculus where I'll find that I didn't do a single problem correctly.

Then at 3:30 I'm skipping my Chemical Engineering field trip to have a "casual conversation" with Bill Powers, the President of UT. I don't know. I get weird invites in the mail. Peter wrote him a card for me to give him. I helped a little. It goes like this...

[front image of woman with afro]

[inside the card: Nancy always had thick ankles, but no one really noticed.]

Peter's words:

Mr. Powers,

I saw this card at Wal-Mart last week and I knew I had to buy it and give it to someone special.
Days passed...
Birthdays of acquaintances flew by...
No one special.
Then my friend Kristine told me she was meeting the President of UT and I knew I'd found that person.
I hope this brightens your day,
Peter Antosh

P.S. Call me -- we'll get coffee sometime. [Peter's # here]

Needless to say, today's going to be an interesting day.

Life's too short, right?

This past weekend was really great.
I can't think of having it any other way.

I'm feeling rejuvenated.
It's getting colder outside and I'm excited about it.

I can't wait to get my scarves and my boots and my sweaters.
I can't wait for warm nights indoors after a cold day out.

Lost enthusiasm.

I had a quiz this morning at nine.
I woke up at eight fifty four.

I ran (briskly walked) to class, took my quiz, and all is well.
But geez. Scared me half to death.

Only thing keeping me going is this weekend.
I don't want to live only for the weekends.

Where is my enthusiasm?

Twelve Thirteen.

I'm sitting in the Union with Yasmin and Nathan.
I'm not really thinking or feeling or doing anything.
Instead my fingers are just feeling their way around the keyboard as I watch the words splay out onto the screen.

This week should be interesting. I keep considering more and more whether I should just go back to Dallas without telling my parents. The bus ticket for the Texas Express is 35 dollars and the Greyhound is around 65(?) round trip. Eh. That's a lot of money. I'm probably better off telling them, but they'll only let me take the Texas Express, which only leaves at 4 on Friday, which is conflicting for me or let me take the Greyhound if someone goes with me. Aye-yi-yi, indeed.

I can only focus on this weekend. Otherwise, everything becomes too overwhelming to handle. I don't know what's overwhelming me, but I can feel it. Perhaps I should have just gone to sleep.

Aye yi yi.

What a mess.

I

Have shorts on.

I can make a mess like nobody's business

You're always in control, you never make a big deal.
You always are your own, you never need someone to feel good.
For yourself.
You always watch yourself, after everyone else.
You never change shoe, because it's on the right foot.

And we're all finding ways, to find ourselves.
Through these, broken, fallen walls that we call, we call our own.
And we're never looking away.
Hopefully someday we can just stay young.

When you're expectations of people are low, it's harder to be disappointed.
When you don't put yourself out there, it's harder to get hurt.

A walk down the street.

Yasmin and I were talking about how we need to change our perceptions.

There's a group meeting every Saturday called For A Ruthless Criticism of Everything Existing and essentially it's all about questioning everything, breaking apart all assumptions, breaking the system.

It seems like everything around me has been getting back to the same thing: question everything.

When we went to the art museum, the exhibit was about answering the question "What is Art?" And even greater, rediscovering the beauty in the everyday world. It was about seeing things with new eyes, about taking all of the things that you take for granted, that you pass by every day, that you disregard every second, that you take as a given and distorting it or displaying it in a new way so that next time maybe you'll think about it in a new way or at least not assume it'll always be the same.

I think the worst thing we can do is to break down our lives systematically.
You walk down the street, go to class, sit in a chair.
This may be something you do each day but there's so much that is taken for granted by only thinking of it in this way. There may be houses you pass, people you pass, cracks in the ground, clouds in the sky that are being broken down into a 'walk down the street'.

It's not only that.
I'm unsure of what else it is.
I'm out of steam.

I really need to stop feeling so damn miserable.
It's weird, because a couple of days ago I was in a terrific mood.

It just gets harder to see the point of everything.
I'm fine and things are going well.

It's just I keep having this lingering feeling that everything is so temporary.

Listening to the new Stars album

and for some reason, it makes me want to cry.

I think I'm going crazy.

I had the most intense feeling of deja vu the other day. I had to think if I was dreaming or not. Nothing made sense for a few seconds, but then I came back to reality.

I don't really know if it had happened before or anything, but I have never had a more powerful deja vu. I think it might have been that I needed sleep and it was really late at night, but at the time it didn't make sense at all.

In reality, I am going crazy.

Insomniac.

I can't sleep. I'm a little frustrated. I've got a test tomorrow.
I can't study anymore. I can't think anymore.

I'm really excited about going back home next weekend.
I didn't feel homesick this past month, because I haven't really had time to feel it.
But I'm really excited to see everyone again.

At least once my Philosophy test is over tomorrow, I've got a pretty easy rest of the week ahead of me.

I'm out of words. Sleep, oh sweet sleep.

Sitting on a bench.

What a pretty day.

The strange dynamics of human interaction.

I think too much about things.

To do this week:
-- Lunch with Cathy Kim
-- Lunch in general
-- Go to class more
-- Find my deodorant

Contemplating

I'm sitting in bed as per usual. I just ate some bad sushi from Littlefield.
I was actually just going to bring it up to my room and put it down, but I got coaxed into bed and started eating. I should be in Philosophy class, especially since we have a test next class. So hard to get up though. And since I'm apparently skipping class, I should go to the Jena Six rally and meet up with Monica and Jordan if they're still there, but they're not answering their phones.

So instead I'm laying here. I do need a break. I just took my Calc exam so I feel it is well-deserved. Mm. So sleepy.