I'm a bum.

I must not get complacent.

Oh, but how content I am with the ease of complacency.

College.

It certainly doesn't feel like anything too drastically different.

For some reason, I was expecting that when I arrived at college, it would be world-changing. I guess I can't really say anything yet, since I've only been here several days. . . and I guess in a way, lots of things have changed. I think it's more that I was expecting myself to change. Or maybe i was expecting some abrupt awkward transition. Right now I've kind of adjusted to the flow of things.

Aside from the construction going on somewhere above me, the dorms are fine. The people on the floor are nice. In a few minutes, I'm going to some Engineering thing. I believe it's called a Fall Gathering. How thrilling. I figure I ought to go though instead of sitting in my room taking a nap (which I've done already actually).

I went with Yasmin to a party last night. It was alright.

Tomorrow classes begin. Eek.

Chloe

Is helping me pack.

Accidental Poetry.

Alliant or you help me but
To just saying whole it has not been
the world has the annual just as opulent evil
hello to me
a quick bite
us totally
as a top lot to think
you tell it and I think he's quick
last contact world wheat
have a little at what he's saying
it would you like to say something
put Moon has clearly
it a lot to have little time
to sit
Pita elegant sake
we believe
Will never see a little in
at just that whole thing is
that he has it
that you can it
and that he's allocates it
and to it as I do
it all that has been
an asteroid alike in a status I can't see
some up to it in a meeting
eyes in the desolate song
that is a good guy
I can tell out becomes
a mix could totally has to have to read
in yet to get some
the review needs to sit and eat more
that has been a strong presence
will when a decent a late sell the review
need to sit and eat more
have the world we have a little out
what you say how would you like to think
that man while that while not a roomful
of the sitter of an illiterate little
out of room to say it taken a toll but hung
and and
has it as a and have tarred
and and and and
to an ironic ironic what you understand
that me and says worth tens of it
as a citizen in the lists the ice
and snow into it
and since it a I will let it my computer literate
and the set to as little rain but yet.

Here I go.

I keep waking up in my bed and just lying there for a while thinking about the rather large change that is coming my way. But no matter how long I lie there, I'm still unable to grasp it. I suppose it's because it's unfamiliar territory -- something unprecedented in my life so I don't have anything tangible in my mind to work with that I can react to.

So instead in my head, there are only the words: "I'm leaving for college." Just words in my head. Nothing more. No emotion attached, no despair, nothing. Because aren't they just words?

But there's something going on in the back of my head, trying to remind me that they aren't just words, and I just keep pushing it back to the back of my head, because I'm not ready to admit anything yet.

Packing

Is futile.

I never

Really appreciate what's in my own backyard.

I had a dream

that I was trying to smoke hookah with Cristina and Ashley and Emily, I think. But for some reason we were trying to set it up in my parent's room. I kept telling them it was a bad idea and that we should smoke it in the park. I panic, then I try to hide it underneath this blanket in their room, while I think of a plan. But my mom comes in, goes to tidy up the blanket, sees the hookah, and begins to reprimand me. End of that dream.

In the next dream, I just remember being with a bunch of people that I don't know in real life, but I seemed to be good friends with all of them in my dream. I kept getting close to this one guy, and we began making out. We then tried to find a room where we could have sex, but for some reason my grandma was there and she kept following us so we couldn't.

I like how my dreams can be pretty easily translated.
I don't like how my dreams are so realistic, and also very vague (or at least my memory of them is vague). Dreams shouldn't be a bore.

I wish

I cared more about everything.

Countdown.

Two weeks.

Indifference.

I've gotten so good at acting indifferent that it has come to the point that I've become so indifferent.

It has become readily apparent...

...that I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of what people might think of me. I'm scared of death. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of admitting things to myself. I'm also scared of admitting that I'm scared.

I like to pretend I'm not. I don't know if "like" is really it. I suppose it's easiest to pretend I'm not.

Considering all of this, you'd think I'd be scared about college. I'm sad that this part of my life is over and that a new part is beginning, but I think I'm ready for it. Nervous excitement, to be sure. But for no good real reason, I know somehow that things are going to be good.