Numb

I was sitting on my bed clutching my jaw. The pain emanating from the socket in my mouth wasn't too intense. It was more like an intermittent throbbing that seemed to be climbing to my temple. I walked downstairs and popped two extra strength Tylenols (I think they were actually Target brand acetamenophins, but they're all the same) and wondered briefly how many painkillers I had taken that day. I disregarded this thought as the pain numbed and climbed back into bed to watch the boob tube. Garden State was on. It seemed like a nice distraction from my toothache so I got comfortable and watched Zach Braff ("Largeman") numb his own pains with countless prescriptions. His pains were a little different though. They were emotional and mental pains; however, even he hadn't felt them for years. He hadn't felt anything in a while. This got me to thinking about my own pains and my own attempts to numb the painful or difficult things in my life. Not only the physical pains, but the emotional ones as well. As I sat there with my aches numbed and my brain feeling a little numb as well, I began to drift off to sleep where this numbing seemed to overtake me. As I began to drift in and out of my consciousness I lost feeling in my body and I became frustrated and wanted to just succumb to sleep or numbness or something. I suppose I was dreaming, but I can't stop thinking about whether I've taken this approach to the rest of my life -- where I'll avoid things because of a fear of pain or suffering. Maybe pain and suffering is good for us sometimes. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried. Not to say that I've been just overwhelmingly happy. I think I've just become so used to blocking out anything bad or potentially painful from my mind. I suppose I feel like I haven't felt anything powerful in a while. I feel a little numb, that's all.